I wanna see ya tonight

     I feel like everything we strive to complete in life revolves around the same goal, the same expectation that we want to accomplish. At least, for me, that is. You see, no matter how successful I feel, or actually get, all I want is to find my person. I want to have that one friend to be completely comfortable with. Yes, I do have my family and I do have my best friends, but you see, everyone wants to have their soul mate. Everyone is searching to find that one person that they can completely confide in, that they can truly be comfortable with, searching for that one being that makes them feel completely whole. My heart has been searching, my mind has been seeking, and I feel like possibly I am finally reaching for it.

     I'm so jealous of my friends that are married, that are starting families, that are in a relationship that they have complete confidence in. I love the confidence that they have with each other, I love the faith that they have with one another, the hope, the strength, the passion. I'm jealous that they are done searching. I'm jealous that they have succeeded. 

     Why is it so difficult? why does it vary for every person? Why does it take years for some people to find their person, and some they knew they found theirs in high school? Maybe, the reason it was easier for others, is because they weren't actively searching? Possibly, they already knew that that was the person that they were going to spend their lifetime with? I don't know, but all I do know, is that love, no matter how small, plays a huge role in our lives. Love is something that every person strives to withhold. Love is something that makes people passionate. Love is something that gives hope. No matter how sappy this sounds, love is a huge factor in holding things and people together. It is a base, a major goal, and a huge accomplishment in life. 

   

How fickle my heart

Lately everything is so different, so surreal. Finally I am reaching this beautifully happy state of being. Finally I am glad that I chose to move. finally I am over that horrible place in my heart that I so ignorantly thought that I couldn't live without. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I woke up oneday and decided to live, I decided to forget, I decided to push forward. I rose up from the ashes and started again with a fresh look with brand new eyes. So many new and amazing people entered my life and turned it completely upside, or right side up. Either way, I am in a place of bliss, a mind of happiness, a home perfection. I am in state of undying love.

We stand, heartache to heartache.

It is that want and that dire need that sperates everything. For instance, I want to be with you, but no I don't need you. I want to feel you,but know that I dont need to. Why must everything have to be seperated between reasoning. I hate it. I hate that the person I want doesn't need me, and that I don't need him. Although I long to be near his presence, do I really need to have him near? Why is it, that the people that hurt us the most always leave us with these deep unresolved desires? Why is it that they are like a ghost that haunts our dreams? One day this want will turn into nothing and this feeling of dire need will turn into just a ridiculous regret. But as of now this want eats at me constantly and feels like that if I don't have it,even for just a little while, everything around me is caving in.

my first kiss went a little like this...

Life is weird, life is crazy, life is strange, life is chaotic, but life will always be beautiful. Without our lives, how would we ever meet the ones that make us realize our strengths or our weaknesses? How would we find the people that help us find our voices, help us find our purpose? We wouldn't, it is plain and simple as that. Every single person that has come in to my life has had some sort of influence on me. whether it be bad, good, stupid, or perfect, their lives have influenced me to the person that I am. Thomas S. Monson once said, "We cannot escape the influence our lives have upon the lives of others". I am glad that every person in my life, or out of my life, have had the influence that they brought to me. they are the ones that are molding me to my true form, They are the people that are going to be in my life book of my life story. They are the foundation of my being. They are in so many ways apart of who I am.

Thank you, Thank you for being a part of my wild, bizarre, astonishing, BEAUTIFUL, Life.

I need to learn to live my life how it was meant to be...

I hate reflecting. I hate looking in the past at what use to be. I feel that every time I sit and reflect I get this uncontrollable urge to cry. I miss us. I miss everything that was good between us. I know that nothing will ever be the same, and I hate that. We were best friends. We talked about everything and nothing. I wish that you would call me and see how I am doing, but unfortunately, I doubt that will ever happen. Even if it did, I am sure that it wouldn't be the same. Distance is the only thing that we share. Distance is what keeps us apart. It is probably for the better, but it still hurts.

God only knows what we are fighting for

thoughts that mean nothing.

these words were something that I truly believed. Why? I have no idea. any thought that comes into my mind always means something, especially now. I have been doing a lot of thinking these pass few weeks and every thought has been leading me closer and closer to reuniting with myself. I have never felt more content and happy with the choices that I have been making. I am striving to make a difference. Not with the world (yet) but with myself. I realized, that in order for me to find true and beautiful happiness I need to be undeniably happy with MYSELF.

Someone once told me that true happiness is only found within yourself, within your heart, and within your soul. If I only listened the first time, I wouldnt have been lost. But I am glad that I have found the rod, and this time I am holding onto it, Holding tight and heeding forward.

I throw my hands up in the air.

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror and notice every flaw, every imperfection, and every experience. From just one hard look at yourself you can recognize and reflect everything that has come in and out of your life. It is crazy to think that in a month I will be 22. It is crazy to even think that I have been living on this earth for that long already. I can look look straight and deep into my eyes and reflect on one of my most cherished and oldest memories. I can remember going with my grandmother to go see my mom after having my twin brothers. I remember clasping on to her hand and walking through the hospital doors and just being in complete and utter awe at the sight of that, what seem to be, huge palace. I will never forget that. I can look at my face, my skin, my cheeks and be exceedingly grateful for the beauty that has been bestowed upon me. I can look at my face and flash back to the night when I had to see my sister in one of her most horrific states. Screaming and bloody, lost and confused. Never again do I want to go through anything like that ever again. Never again do I want to see someone that important and that dear to me, ever go through that much pain and suffering. The face, it can tell a lot about a person, it is the passage into our souls. The story book of our life time.