I need to learn to live my life how it was meant to be...

I hate reflecting. I hate looking in the past at what use to be. I feel that every time I sit and reflect I get this uncontrollable urge to cry. I miss us. I miss everything that was good between us. I know that nothing will ever be the same, and I hate that. We were best friends. We talked about everything and nothing. I wish that you would call me and see how I am doing, but unfortunately, I doubt that will ever happen. Even if it did, I am sure that it wouldn't be the same. Distance is the only thing that we share. Distance is what keeps us apart. It is probably for the better, but it still hurts.

God only knows what we are fighting for

thoughts that mean nothing.

these words were something that I truly believed. Why? I have no idea. any thought that comes into my mind always means something, especially now. I have been doing a lot of thinking these pass few weeks and every thought has been leading me closer and closer to reuniting with myself. I have never felt more content and happy with the choices that I have been making. I am striving to make a difference. Not with the world (yet) but with myself. I realized, that in order for me to find true and beautiful happiness I need to be undeniably happy with MYSELF.

Someone once told me that true happiness is only found within yourself, within your heart, and within your soul. If I only listened the first time, I wouldnt have been lost. But I am glad that I have found the rod, and this time I am holding onto it, Holding tight and heeding forward.

I throw my hands up in the air.

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror and notice every flaw, every imperfection, and every experience. From just one hard look at yourself you can recognize and reflect everything that has come in and out of your life. It is crazy to think that in a month I will be 22. It is crazy to even think that I have been living on this earth for that long already. I can look look straight and deep into my eyes and reflect on one of my most cherished and oldest memories. I can remember going with my grandmother to go see my mom after having my twin brothers. I remember clasping on to her hand and walking through the hospital doors and just being in complete and utter awe at the sight of that, what seem to be, huge palace. I will never forget that. I can look at my face, my skin, my cheeks and be exceedingly grateful for the beauty that has been bestowed upon me. I can look at my face and flash back to the night when I had to see my sister in one of her most horrific states. Screaming and bloody, lost and confused. Never again do I want to go through anything like that ever again. Never again do I want to see someone that important and that dear to me, ever go through that much pain and suffering. The face, it can tell a lot about a person, it is the passage into our souls. The story book of our life time.

Life is life. I haven't blogged about anything in so long it is almost sad. Actually it is VERY sad. I just haven't really had the time. Welp, I've got a new house, I've got lots of new friends, and I've gotten new goals and determinations. I am so glad that i live in a life that I can just have fun and look past the complications that arise in it. I came home this week just for a brief visit with the fam. I forgot how much I miss my family and the craziness of them. I can not believe how big my little nieces and nephews have gotten. It is so weird growing up and missing out on so much. I never thought that I could ever grow up and be independent. But It is working out.

Bella Mae

she is just the cutest darn thing that anyone has ever seen. she is a week already and she is just such a blessing to this beloved and excited family. Just look at her! She is perfect, this Bella Mae of ours.

RUDOLPH AND DECEMBER

I am so Glad that I am in an apartment that loves Christmas as much as I do. Last night my roommates and I just decided to DECK out our apartment in Christmas gear. It has to be the most legit apartment in the complex. Seriously. Snowed windows, Christmas tree. Ornaments from our ceiling, a Christmas wrapped door. It is just so beautiful. I LOVE it So much. I just love this time of the year...AND to top it all off, this semester is almost completely finished. NO more chemistry, no more biology YESSSS!!!!! except I will be taking Microbiology and Biology 201 next, but NO MORE CHEMISTRY! that is seriously the best part. I will miss Dr. Neary though, He is a very good teacher and he makes me laugh a lot. OH tis the season or good feelings! I love it right now!

HMMMMM...

Once upon a time there was a girl. A smart, young, talented, beautiful girl. She was afriad to take a chance. A chance that may change her world forever. She can do anything that she puts her heart to, but for some reason this one thing, this one decision, she could not come to the terms to make a move. Why can she just not be afraid to do something, to just go out and experience that one thing. To show emotion and faith in this ONE journey. Was it because she is scared to actually LOVE something that she isn't really use to loving. To HOLD on to something and to really commit? Who knows. I guess that she will have to learn for herself. I guess that she will have to go out in the world and just actually TRY something that she isn't really accustomed to. She has the strength, she has the passion, she has the will... all she has to do is just go OUT and TRY: EXPERIENCE THE NEW!