Monday, September 28, 2015

And now that it's over, I'll never be sober...

I have epilepsy. I have seizures. I have grand mal seizures. My brain allows me to lose control of every functionality that one person is capable of doing. There are many forms of epilepsy. Each one just as heart breaking to be diagnosed with. Mine, unfortunately leave me with scars. I think what makes me more devasted, is that I was diagnosed at the age of 25. I was happy, once, I was healthy, I thought that I was doing everything right. I rarely drank, I ran every day, I worked out everyday, I took vitamins. Where did this come from?
I don't even know why I started blaming my self, why I should have even questioned myself,  what had to have been my personal problem? Probably, because people started asking me, "well what did YOU do wrong?", "YOU must have been eating something bad, or been taking something you shouldn't have".
When people started pointing their fingers at me, I would start pointing all my fingers at myself as well. I would sit home and cry, thinking that everything that was going on in my life was happening because of something that I was doing wrong, because of something that I was personally doing.
Why my relationship was failing, why I was losing friends, why I had so many health problems, why so many bad things were happening one after another. I honestly couldn't handle it. I wanted to give up. Still to this day, I want to throw in the towel and just say "I'm done".

When I saw one of my specialists and they told me that my labs were good, meaning blood work, that I was just someone that was just born into a body with unfortunate circumstances, I cried. I cried because I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. My body and my brain were just assholes. Having diseases, that are uncommon, can really break ones spirit. It's hard to find people to relate to. It's hard to explain that sometimes, you have days where you can't really talk, you know exactly what you want to say, but the words just won't escape your lips, sometimes you are just stuck looking into space, and can't quite get out of the stupor that's taken over your body. The worst part, is when you've had the luxury of being able to drive, and then now you aren't trusted to be behind the wheel. You have to commute, or trust that you have amazing parents or friends that might be able to take you to doctor after Doctor, or oral surgery after surgery, when all you want to do is hide underneath a rock because you are so embarrassed because you are a grown ass woman that has to rely on some form of means of transportation.  I know that it's not the worst thing that can happen, but it still is a hard thing to bear. It's been a huge humbling factor, having to commute an equivalent of 4 hrs everyday to and from work, still working full time, maintaining my job, especially whenever I go to see a doctor the 1st thing they ask is if I'm still working. This is something that is very personal to me, and something that I don't like to expose to people, But I feel like, many people need to hear. We take so many things for granted. Life has so many curve balls, and we complain about so many little things. We complain about our vanity, about a wait time, about simply not having milk in the fridge for cereal, or for Starbucks not having any damn bagels in the morning. Hashtag first world problems.
Who knows when our lives can change, and when everything can feel like it's caving in.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Being raw. I am the rawest

Let me first explain myself why I fall to a million pieces when I start talking to you: 
• 1. I have so many stresses in my life that are causing me to be super self conscious with everything in my life. I try to hold it together through out the day, and usually do very well, but some nights it's very hard.

• 2. I'm still very much in love with you. I try forgetting about you. But I can't. It's weird. These seizures have made me lose so many memories; have made so many things so fuzzy...For some reason, it's like everything else is like a black out map, but there is this bright gold light that is always shining and leading this way directing this one memory straight back to you; I can't diminish it no matter how hard I try. I want to,mainly because it hurts, Knowing that I can't return back to that place. You were the one true thing that mattered. 

• 3. I don't want to come back in to you're life when you have found true happiness again. You have found some content where you are and now that I'm sick I don't want to ruin it, and I know that I can't bring that down. So I'm furthering my self away. Let's face it, I'm sure once we stopped talking everything was better for you. 

Just so you know, thanks for always being there for me when ever I needed you. You are one of the best people that I have ever known. You are what we need more in this world. You make me smile even though I know the last few times we've talked all I do is cry, it's mainly because of what I've been going through, thanks for being the best thing that's happened to me in a while. I hope life is treating you well. I hope that we can remain friends. 

I love you. More than you will ever know. You don't know the impact that you've made on me, and impact that you make on people.  

Love meggs. 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

No, you won't see me fall apart. I've got an elastic heart.

Its crazy. Life.

It's so strange that we set our selfs up for heartache and hurt everyday. We expose ourselves all the time even when we think that we are setting up this guard to protect ourselves. Even with that guard up, we still are willing for the hurt to seep through. Just having that guard up makes us a bigger target for that pain. It isn't a suit of armor, or shield designed to saves our souls. It is sort of like a reaching out and protect me from everything that is coming my way suit. It is a way of asking and telling the world that we need someone to save us. I've noticed that when people have this guard up, they are the ones that need someone the most. Calling out for someone to protect them or telling the world that they need their somebody. The worst part though, is that when you have that guard set up, it's hard to pull it back down. It's hard to accept that this guard actually brought the help that you were calling out for into your life. It's hard to receive any love because the whole reason you set this up was to protect yourself. It's like you don't deserve anything that comes into your life. We're the broken people in this life. We're the ones that want the most help, but never truly physically allow ourselves to let others know. And once were broken, even if we have people trying to put pieces back together, we never truly are whole or completely fixed. It's never the same; we are never the same. All because of this guard that we set up because of the hurt we felt before. It's a total catch 22. And it is something that is never going to be fully drawn down. Unfortunately, we will always be pulling up the gate. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

I know I know I know that you are going to be okay anyway.

    It's funny, this thing called adulthood. It's funny how hard we work to maintain our comfortability, to maintain a roof over our heads, to maintain a working vehicle. I wish that I was able to just relax every once in a while and actually be able to worry about nothing. Now, I feel, that I am always constantly worrying about everything and nothing. I worry about rent, I worry about my health, I worry about love and life. It's so frustrating.
    I remember when I was younger and I never thought that life could ever be so difficult. When I didn't have to work to make a living. When I didn't have to worry about when I was going to settle down. Now, I am constantly worrying about my age and when I need to actually be actively searching for my future husband and when I want to have kids. I hate it. I hate that I worry about stupid shit like that. I going to be 25 In a few months, and I think that is why I am thinking and over thinking and making myself crazy about things that consist of the future. I will be at an age where people are mostly set up, have careers and are married.
    I know that I am over reacting and over thinking, that's the thing that drives me even more insane. I hate that I know that I need to quit with making myself get a panic attack about life. I know that I need to settle down and take a few deep breaths. And then I sort of had an epiphany, you see, I don't want to be another stereotype of people my age, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to have to go through a divorce before I hit thirty. I want to be a hard working driven woman, an independent woman, a woman that knows exactly what she wants. I may not be in a serious relationship at the moment, I may not be starting a family. But I do know that when I do finally settle down and that when I do actually start searching, that it will be at the right time, and at the right moment. I am going to embrace adulthood and I am going to embrace my life, and I am going to embrace this new journey.
    Live, laugh, love. And age old saying that never seemed more clear.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I wanna see ya tonight

     I feel like everything we strive to complete in life revolves around the same goal, the same expectation that we want to accomplish. At least, for me, that is. You see, no matter how successful I feel, or actually get, all I want is to find my person. I want to have that one friend to be completely comfortable with. Yes, I do have my family and I do have my best friends, but you see, everyone wants to have their soul mate. Everyone is searching to find that one person that they can completely confide in, that they can truly be comfortable with, searching for that one being that makes them feel completely whole. My heart has been searching, my mind has been seeking, and I feel like possibly I am finally reaching for it.
     I'm so jealous of my friends that are married, that are starting families, that are in a relationship that they have complete confidence in. I love the confidence that they have with each other, I love the faith that they have with one another, the hope, the strength, the passion. I'm jealous that they are done searching. I'm jealous that they have succeeded. 
     Why is it so difficult? why does it vary for every person? Why does it take years for some people to find their person, and some they knew they found theirs in high school? Maybe, the reason it was easier for others, is because they weren't actively searching? Possibly, they already knew that that was the person that they were going to spend their lifetime with? I don't know, but all I do know, is that love, no matter how small, plays a huge role in our lives. Love is something that every person strives to withhold. Love is something that makes people passionate. Love is something that gives hope. No matter how sappy this sounds, love is a huge factor in holding things and people together. It is a base, a major goal, and a huge accomplishment in life. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How fickle my heart

Lately everything is so different, so surreal. Finally I am reaching this beautifully happy state of being. Finally I am glad that I chose to move. finally I am over that horrible place in my heart that I so ignorantly thought that I couldn't live without. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I woke up oneday and decided to live, I decided to forget, I decided to push forward. I rose up from the ashes and started again with a fresh look with brand new eyes. So many new and amazing people entered my life and turned it completely upside, or right side up. Either way, I am in a place of bliss, a mind of happiness, a home perfection. I am in state of undying love.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

We stand, heartache to heartache.

It is that want and that dire need that sperates everything. For instance, I want to be with you, but no I don't need you. I want to feel you,but know that I dont need to. Why must everything have to be seperated between reasoning. I hate it. I hate that the person I want doesn't need me, and that I don't need him. Although I long to be near his presence, do I really need to have him near? Why is it, that the people that hurt us the most always leave us with these deep unresolved desires? Why is it that they are like a ghost that haunts our dreams? One day this want will turn into nothing and this feeling of dire need will turn into just a ridiculous regret. But as of now this want eats at me constantly and feels like that if I don't have it,even for just a little while, everything around me is caving in.