￼I have epilepsy. I have seizures. I have grand mal seizures. My brain allows me to lose control of every functionality that one person is capable of doing. There are many forms of epilepsy. Each one just as heart breaking to be diagnosed with. Mine, unfortunately leave me with scars. I think what makes me more devasted, is that I was diagnosed at the age of 25. I was happy, once, I was healthy, I thought that I was doing everything right. I rarely drank, I ran every day, I worked out everyday, I took vitamins. Where did this come from?
I don't even know why I started blaming my self, why I should have even questioned myself, what had to have been my personal problem? Probably, because people started asking me, "well what did YOU do wrong?", "YOU must have been eating something bad, or been taking something you shouldn't have".
When people started pointing their fingers at me, I would start pointing all my fingers at myself as well. I would sit home and cry, thinking that everything that was going on in my life was happening because of something that I was doing wrong, because of something that I was personally doing.
Why my relationship was failing, why I was losing friends, why I had so many health problems, why so many bad things were happening one after another. I honestly couldn't handle it. I wanted to give up. Still to this day, I want to throw in the towel and just say "I'm done".
When I saw one of my specialists and they told me that my labs were good, meaning blood work, that I was just someone that was just born into a body with unfortunate circumstances, I cried. I cried because I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. My body and my brain were just assholes. Having diseases, that are uncommon, can really break ones spirit. It's hard to find people to relate to. It's hard to explain that sometimes, you have days where you can't really talk, you know exactly what you want to say, but the words just won't escape your lips, sometimes you are just stuck looking into space, and can't quite get out of the stupor that's taken over your body. The worst part, is when you've had the luxury of being able to drive, and then now you aren't trusted to be behind the wheel. You have to commute, or trust that you have amazing parents or friends that might be able to take you to doctor after Doctor, or oral surgery after surgery, when all you want to do is hide underneath a rock because you are so embarrassed because you are a grown ass woman that has to rely on some form of means of transportation. I know that it's not the worst thing that can happen, but it still is a hard thing to bear. It's been a huge humbling factor, having to commute an equivalent of 4 hrs everyday to and from work, still working full time, maintaining my job, especially whenever I go to see a doctor the 1st thing they ask is if I'm still working. This is something that is very personal to me, and something that I don't like to expose to people, But I feel like, many people need to hear. We take so many things for granted. Life has so many curve balls, and we complain about so many little things. We complain about our vanity, about a wait time, about simply not having milk in the fridge for cereal, or for Starbucks not having any damn bagels in the morning. Hashtag first world problems.
Who knows when our lives can change, and when everything can feel like it's caving in.